The Best Rejoinder to FFK

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“….the domination of Nigeria and Africa by the Igbo is only a matter of time.’’ – Charles D. Onyeama

 

In Chief Femi-Fani Kayode’s (otherwise more popularly known as FFK) asinine and bigoted rant at the Igbos he narrated so many things. As an Igbo, I want to place my rejoinder.

FFK seems to be know a lot of history but he doesn’t know this story, told severally across the River Niger about the confrontation between mammy water and Nnamdi Azikiwe. For the uninformed, Zik of Africa (FFK should note the Africa) and mammy water took out a bet on who will last longest when stuffed in a bottle. Zik took the first turn and went into the bottle. After a little while he signaled to the mermaid that he couldn’t hold his breath again and she opened the bottle. Smiling in anticipation of her impending victory she got ready to enter the bottle and gave Zik the keys to River Niger to hold. Once she ‘downsized’ into the bottle – not unlike a genie in a bottle –  Zik corked it tight, threw it into the Niger and walked away with the keys, the keys to the River Niger. The keys with which he could have used to open the floodgates to drown the Federal troops but for his magnanimity.

Chief FFK did not hear about the momentous trip of pre-independence Nigerian leaders to see Her Majesty in London. When Awo saw the golden cutlery used in the service, he pinched one when no one was looking and put it in his pocket. Only Zik saw the maneuver. So during the vote of thanks, Zik of Africa told the British delegation that he would perform a bit of African abracadabra for their delight. He will take a golden spoon and put in his own pocket and it will appear in Awo’s own. The Oyinbos were skeptical, but lo and behold when Zik put a golden spoon in his pocket and asked one of the hosts (not the Queen obviously) to check Awo’s pocket…….

FFK’s history teacher told him about Christopher Alexander Sapara Williams and Dr. Nathaniel King but conveniently forgot to tell him that Oluadah Equiano was Igbo and had written an autobiography in the 18th century. Stolen off the coast of Onitsha, the little Igbo boy showed classic Igbo enterprise and graft and became the first African author.

As I write this FFK has apologized for dropping the names of Bianca Ojukwu and the other delectable ladies in his diatribe. I want to say that Igbo men have for decades wondered how and why Bianca, the most beautiful girl in Nigeria, ignored all the young men and married someone old enough to be her father. She was reported to have no patience for young men. Now we know the source of her impatience with men nearer her age.

For you to successfully date an Igbo girl, you have to be smart, enterprising, confident and not stingy. For you to date three and flop, it is certain you are a ‘juu man’ as kids from my generation will say. Or as the whizkid generation will term it, “you have no swagger.”

 The Igbo live everywhere in Nigeria, build homesteads and businesses and like the Jews face hostility from indigenes because of their enterprise and prosperity. While some Igbos have gone as far as to try and prove common ancestry with the Jews, it is common knowledge that wherever you go in Nigeria and don’t see an Igbo man, you are best advised to flee. This includes FFK’s village.

The above piece is a journalistic  satire written in the tradition of Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show.

 @sirwebs